So Many Feelings

This is most of an email I sent to my mentor & friend, as explanation why I would be absent from a meeting this evening. The friend in question will be at the meeting, and I can't be happy to her face yet. I can't be happy yet. Also, loss is hard.

Friend texted me on Saturday night to say she's pregnant (actual wording: expecting their first child). It was pretty much a huge punch to the gut for me, and it opened up very sore wounds that I thought I had a handle on (after all, I was expecting my first child too, but God wanted my first child early). After a lot of tears and even more praying, I texted her back a simple "Congrats!" hoping that she wouldn't reply. She did. With: "Thanks :) now u gotta getter done so our babies can be besties lol". Now, usually, this would be funny and I'd be able to laugh as well, but not anymore. Not since July. And I've expressed to her previously that it's been hard for me, but I don't think she gets it. A lot of people don't get it. This is the third pregnancy announcement since my loss. One was on facebook (easily blocked, although I would have been due in March the same as she is), one was at work (and it took me a while to tell her congrats, at which point she was so super caring and understood why it took me a while because she's had two losses, so I'm able to be super happy for her), and now this one. This one hurts the most because she said they weren't even really trying. They haven't even gone on their honeymoon yet.
 
And here I am, taking my temperature every morning trying to pinpoint ovulation so that we have a good chance. Here I am, trying really hard not to feel like I'm rushing/replacing. I just can't be happy for her to her face yet. I know I should be, and somewhere deep down I am really happy for her, but my heart aches so much because, yet again, here I am thinking "it should be me; why isn't it me?" And now, I'm hurt all over again, and I fear that she'll tell me that I "need to relax", "just let it happen", "don't worry", "you'll be next", and I can't hear that. Those words are not reassuring. (She told me a while ago that "clearly" I was fertile because I've been pregnant. I didn't know how to respond. I was going to say "It doesn't count if it's not a take-home baby" but I couldn't bring myself to say it. It "doesn't count"? It counts a lot. But I feel like other people think that because it was so early it really doesn't count. It counts to me. It counts to me every day. It hurts that people think it should be easily replaceable. That I should just "getter done".) 



So I'm going to stay at home, clean my house, and eat (probably) most of the pumpkin chocolate chip cake I baked last night. Also, loss is hard. For a long time.